The picture above is one I was able to sneak of him from our office window as he ate. Isn't he cute! When I know he's eating I will sometimes watch him. I was watching him on Monday and noticing how much better he looks and I just felt so much love and longing for him. Although he doesn't run madly away from me, he won't let me get anywhere close to him. And I wish he would. He could be in a safe warm home with all the food and water and love he could want. Instead, he's outside. He has to brave all kinds of weather, and dangers (after all, this IS Houston - they film Animal Cops here!) and has to scrounge for food. If ONLY he knew what life could be his!!!
As I was watching him and thinking this I had a sudden start - a realization - that must be how God feels about me sometimes. OK. A lot of the time.... maybe most of the time. I get so busy with work, and friends, and family, and frustrations, and duties, and.... STUFF!!... that God ends up being relegated to the sidelines of my life, a spectator - not a participant. How many times must He be left watching me from afar as I rush around, frantically trying to "get it done." How often do my quiet times and prayer times end up being quick rushed chats instead of times of real fellowship and communion with God? I bet when He looks at me, God probably feels - to a much larger degree - the same love and longing for fellowship and communion that I experienced towards Dasher. He probably thinks the same thing I did: "if she only knew what life could be hers if she would stop and let me in or at least stop and have a proper visit with me."
I'm sorry, Lord, I prayed. I confessed. I repented. Maybe I'm being overly sentimental, I thought. I'm reading too much into this. I'm too much in my own head because I no longer have Bentley to talk too. That's it!! Once I had reassured myself I went about my day. But God was not finished speaking to me through Dasher. Yesterday, as I was getting into my car to go home after a full day at work, I looked out across the field behind the office and whom do you think I saw? I saw Dasher! He was running and rolling around and having a great time. I got in my car and sat there - just watching him enjoy himself - for about 10 minutes. I longed to be able to play and have fun with him, but, not being able to do so, I was content to watch him have fun from afar.
"So?" You may be wondering. Well, God spoke to me again, gently letting me know that just as He finds joy in being there with me through the hard times, He longs to be right there with me when I'm having fun and enjoying things. So often He must watch from a distance the times of joy and happiness because I am too busy having fun to include Him - at least to include Him in any real and meaningful way. Feeling keenly the mingled joy and sadness of watching Dasher's glee yet not be able to participate in it, I was struck again by the realization of how callously I push my creator God to one side when it's convenient for me to do so. I was also shamed at knowing that I had caused God sadness and pain by my actions.
What to do now? First, God is wonderful and forgiving and wants nothing more than to have closeness with us, His precious children. Hello!! That was the reason for His giving me the wake-up call in the first place! Still, I do think I need a plan of action - not in a legalistic sense, but I do want to avoid falling back into bad patterns. I love the words of Brother Lawrence and the idea of "practicing" being in the presence of God no matter where I am or what I am doing. The idea is that by training my thoughts and my heart to constantly turn to God throughout the day no matter what I'm doing I am cultivating a life of worship and a constant fellowship with my creator.
"In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall then also think of Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure."
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