Sorry I haven't written in a while. Things got really hectic at home and at work and then we went to St. Louis for Thanksgiving to visit Joshua's mom and sister. It was a fun time although we were disappointed his sister stood us up. As St. Louis University is one of Joshua's top choices as far as places he would like to do his PhD, it was great getting to see more of the city and do some fun things there. I found out that there are 3 Brazilian restaurants there! Yea!
Another reason I haven't written in a while is that I have been kinda down lately... ok, for more than a month now. I know, I know, I really don't have reason to be down. Work is great, I have a terrific family and a sweet, wonderful husband. But, things aren't exactly as I expected. And there's the rub. Marriage has been a HUGE and, often difficult adjustment for me. I remember once, many years ago, I told a good friend that I would probably never fall in love and never marry because the reality of love, the reality of the loved one, of marriage could never live up to the dream. I was proven wrong on both counts, btw, I have fallen in love and gotten married.
But, that's where I have found myself this past month... at the collision between reality and expectation. The reality of this flesh and blood man whom I love who at times fails to meet my expectations. Then again, to be fair, there are times he surpasses my expectations. Then there is marriage itself. It is nothing as I expected. The reality has fallen far short of my expectations. Still, there are those glimpses of the dream - moments that make me catch my breath and stay perfectly still, as if by staying so I could capture the moment and make it last a little longer.
So, I have been sad and disappointed with my lot in life of late - a lot I chose for myself. Yet I know that if I had to do it all over again I would do just as I have done. I also know that every collision, though loud and fearful in its impact, eventually subsides. I think I may be reaching that point... gradually. Every day I need to prayerfully commit my thoughts to God, ask Him to help me consider Joshua first and myself last. To cultivate a grateful, cheerful spirit. I have always felt there is much value in introspection: the art of self-examination. Taken too far, however, it can lead to self-centeredness and selfishness... of which I fear I already have in abundance.
With that I will cease my introspective musings for the day and return later this week with a more cheerful update. At that time I will tell you all about my progress in knitting (yes, progress HAS been made!) and Christmas plans!
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