Dreaded Anticipation

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Do you ever just dread a date?  An approaching date.  Like, a few years ago I DREADED my approaching 30th birthday.  The mere mention of said birthday was enough to ruin my entire day for weeks on end.  Funny thing, though, once the oh-so-dreaded 30th birthday arrived - it wasn't so bad!  It was just any old birthday.  Except, I was more fabulous.  Of course.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I am dreading another approaching date.  And, no, I'm not turning 30 again.  (Not yet, anyway) I am, in fact, dreading Saturday.

What?!  Dreading the weekend?! Shocking, I know.  I am dreading Saturday the 23rd because that day will mark 6 months since I lost Bentley.  6 months.  That's a long time.  Half a year.  I don't want to get to half a year because the next day, the 24th means I will have been without Bentley for more than 6 months, which means 1 whole year won't be that far off.  It is very, very sad.  And lonely.

So I have been all out of sorts lately and seriously dreading the approaching Saturday.  But, maybe - just maybe - Saturday, the 23rd, will be like my 30th birthday.  It will come and it will go without making too many waves and I will realize that the anticipation was worse than the actual day.  Maybe.

  

The Day I Saved Tuesday & a Van Gogh Valentine's!

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This week was quite an exciting week!  I saved Tuesday.  Literally.  I did.  Truly.  Here's how it happened.  Tuesday I got to work like any other day when suddenly our dean, Dr. Dearman, runs in and says, "Jenna, come see.  There a little white dog in the field back here."  There is a huge field behind our building and people are always dumping their unwanted pets there.  Dr. Dearman's office faces this field so he often calls me to see different animals - especially Dasher - the special stray I wrote about last week.

I walked back to his office to see this new pup and sure enough it was a little bitty white dog walking in the field.  I watched as it walked towards the road.  The poor, clueless little think acted as if it were out for a stroll, merrily bouncing towards the busy street as cars sped by.  Finally it reached the street and began to cross when suddenly a loud sound blared out.  A large SUV had slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the pup and blared its horn.  The terrified dog turned back to the field racing as fast as it could.

Gathering some food and a leash I got into my car and drove to the bank next door and tried to find the dog.  I found it cowering, visibly shaking and frightened behind some thick shrubs and thorns.  I could not entice her to come so returned to the building for reinforcements.  My friend Carrie then walked back with me to where the dog was hiding and together we cleared enough of the shrubs so I could climb back there - yes, risking my life because there were probably GINORMOUS spiders in there - and rescue her.

Tuesday gets a ride to the Vet.

We took her to the vet and got her checked out.  At the vet they asked me for her name and, on the spot being the creative genius that I am, I gave her the first name I could think of:  Tuesday.  Because it was Tuesday.  She has been staying with us and getting to know Frazier.  They are doing OK together.  I think it's fair to say that he is more interested in her and more keen to play with her than she is interested in knowing him or playing with him.  She is a Bichon/Poodle mix and definitely prefers being cuddled and held to playing - she's cute.  I think Mr. Farris really likes her.

After saving Tuesday one would think this week couldn't possibly be any more exciting, right?  Wrong!  On Thursday, for Valentine's Day Joshua and I decided to go to another one of the Merlot2Masterpiece classes.  The idea is you BYOB and enjoy some snacks while a professional artist walks you through step-by-step of a work of art.  It's great fun!  We did a piece called Stars At Night which is a Texas version of Van Gogh's Starry Night.  Below is the progression of my piece.

The master at work!

The artists at the end of the night!

Lessons From A Stray

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It's an English kind of day today.  The skies are gray and overcast and it is raining - not a hard, heavy rain, but the steady kind.  As always when it rains my worried thoughts turn to Dasher, the stray puppy who lives alone in the large field behind the office where I work.  Dasher is so named because, well, I first became aware of his presence in December - right around Christmas - and because he has this little habit of dashing away when he sees people, or even just thinks people might be around.  I've been feeding Dasher ever since I first saw him. He was skin and bones then. I'm happy to report he has fattened up a bit now.  He's our other dog.  Yep, we actually have two dogs:  one lives at our house and the other one lives in the field behind my work.

The picture above is one I was able to sneak of him from our office window as he ate.  Isn't he cute! When I know he's eating I will sometimes watch him.  I was watching him on Monday and noticing how much better he looks and I just felt so much love and longing for him.  Although he doesn't run madly away from me, he won't let me get anywhere close to him.  And I wish he would.  He could be in a safe warm home with all the food and water and love he could want.  Instead, he's outside.  He has to brave all kinds of weather, and dangers (after all, this IS Houston - they film Animal Cops here!) and has to scrounge for food.  If ONLY he knew what life could be his!!!

As I was watching him and thinking this I had a sudden start - a realization - that must be how God feels about me sometimes.  OK.  A lot of the time.... maybe most of the time.  I get so busy with work, and friends, and family, and frustrations, and duties, and.... STUFF!!... that God ends up being relegated to the sidelines of my life, a spectator - not a participant.  How many times must He be left watching me from afar as I rush around, frantically trying to "get it done." How often do my quiet times and prayer times end up being quick rushed chats instead of times of real fellowship and communion with God?  I bet when He looks at me, God probably feels - to a much larger degree - the same love and longing for fellowship and communion  that I experienced towards Dasher.  He probably thinks the same thing I did:  "if she only knew what life could be hers if she would stop and let me in or at least stop and have a proper visit with me."

I'm sorry, Lord, I prayed.  I confessed.  I repented.  Maybe I'm being overly sentimental, I thought.  I'm reading too much into this.  I'm too much in my own head because I no longer have Bentley to talk too.  That's it!!  Once I had reassured myself I went about my day.  But God was not finished speaking to me through Dasher.  Yesterday, as I was getting into my car to go home after a full day at work, I looked out across the field behind the office and whom do you think I saw?  I saw Dasher!  He was running and rolling around and having a great time.  I got in my car and sat there - just watching him enjoy himself - for about 10 minutes.  I longed to be able to play and have fun with him, but, not being able to do so, I was content to watch him have fun from afar.

"So?" You may be wondering.  Well, God spoke to me again, gently letting me know that just as He finds joy in being there with me through the hard times, He longs to be right there with me when I'm having fun and enjoying things.  So often He must watch from a distance the times of joy and happiness because I am too busy having fun to include Him - at least to include Him in any real and meaningful way.  Feeling keenly the mingled joy and sadness of watching Dasher's glee yet not be able to participate in it, I was struck again by the realization of how callously I push my creator God to one side when it's convenient for me to do so.  I was also shamed at knowing that I had caused God sadness and pain by my actions.

What to do now?  First, God is wonderful and forgiving and wants nothing more than to have closeness with us, His precious children.  Hello!!  That was the reason for His giving me the wake-up call in the first place!  Still, I do think I need a plan of action - not in a legalistic sense, but I do want to avoid falling back into bad patterns.  I love the words of Brother Lawrence and the idea of "practicing" being in the presence of God no matter where I am or what I am doing.  The idea is that by training my thoughts and my heart to constantly turn to God throughout the day no matter what I'm doing I am cultivating a life of worship and a constant fellowship with my creator.

"In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall then also think of  Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure."