Maybe, Baby

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Happy Thanksgiving!  It has been quite a year.  It's hard to believe we have been in Houston a year and a half.  Joshua is almost done with his doctoral work.  He is teaching at Houston Baptist University and busy getting his own non-profit theology school up and running.  Meanwhile, I have a new position as Executive Director of a non-profit free clinic ministry.  We are busy, busy!

One of the things which Joshua and I have been dealing with this year is our struggle to have a baby.  We have now been trying for 2 and a half years.  Infertility is never something one expects to deal with and yet an estimated 10% of all women in the United States, that's about 6.1 million women, will deal with this issue at some point in their lives.

This journey is a hard one, filled with ups and downs and unexpected curves in the road. I fluctuate between hoping that this will be our month, to feeling certain it will never happen, to simply going through the motions of all the tests and medications.  But mostly, what I've felt, especially this year, is that I am less than others.  Less favored by God, less loved and, therefore, unworthy of being a mother.  This feeling is especially strong when confronted by friends and family members who just up and get pregnant with their second, third or even fourth child. What is so wrong with me that I cannot get pregnant?

A month ago I underwent a laparoscopy.  Stage 3 endometriosis was found and treated.  Now we get back on the roller coaster of Clomid and IUI's (intrauterine insemination), blood tests and ultrasounds. It's draining but I know it will be worth it in the end if we achieve our goal of having a baby.  During this time I have been blessed to meet women who are on a similar journey, some for far longer than I.  It is comforting to know I am not alone.

So, in this season of Thanksgiving, I want to list a few things I'm thankful for during this difficult period:

• I am thankful for a loving and supportive husband who is sensitive and caring.  One who is walking this journey with me and is often my strength. 
• I am thankful for sweet friends who love me and pray for me, asking God to answer our prayers for a child.
• I am thankful for advances in medicine which will help us conceive and for a godly doctor who is wise and kind.
• I am thankful that - no matter what happens in the end - that God is in control of this situation and the whole of my life.  

Super Friday

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It's finally here!  Man of Steel opens tonight in theatres around the world.  I've only been waiting 18 months for this!!  To celebrate I would like to pay tribute to my favorite superhero of all times by taking a look back at the men who have worn the tights and cape through the years.

Superman I, II, II (and, ok IV - if you must)
Director:  Richard Donner (I), Richard Lester (II, III),  Sidney J. Furie
Superman/Clark Kent:  Christopher Reeve
Lois Lane:  Margot Kidder
Lex Luthor:  Gene Hackman
Year(s): 1978, 1980, 1983, 1987

These were a mixed bag.  I and II were pretty good.  Christopher Reeve was an excellent Superman.  I think he still epitomizes the Superman ideal.  Gene Hackman was also terrific as Lex Luthor, although he met his match in Smallville's Michael Rosenbaum.  Superman I did a great job of setting the stage for the superhero's story to unfold.  Superman II was probably my favorite:  Lois discovers Clark's secret, the two elope, you have Zod drama. Epic!  Superman III gave me nightmares when I watched it (which got my dad in trouble with my mom).  In Dad's defense, how was he supposed to know that lady was going to get sucked into that machine and turned into a robot.  I seriously think this movie is the reason elevators kinda freak me out.  And seeing the dark side of superman, the drinking and bad behavior - let's just say it isn't what I want to see in my favorite man in blue (and red and tights).  Superman IV....uhm.... I remember a solar powered Swedish person and Clark and Lois having a really bad date (it was probably Lois' fugly dress - girlfriend needs some serious wardrobe assist).  All in all, pretty blah and pretty forgettable.  Rewind and watch Superman I and II again.  And again.  And again.

Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman
Superman/Clark Kent:  Dean Cain
Lois Lane:  Teri Hatcher
Lex Luthor:  John Shea
Year(s):  1993-1997

One of the best Superman television shows ever.  This show approached the character of Clark Kent/Superman differently from previous shows, focusing much more in the relationship with Lois Lane.  Their meeting and the development of their relationship is what drives the series.  Will Clark win Lois over?  Will they ever have that first date?  First kiss?  Will Lois find out that Clark Kent and Superman are the same person?  If she does, will that change things?
Of course, she does eventually find out and their relationship does change. I love the natural chemistry between the two and the way Clark Kent is portrayed as very human.  He struggles with doubts and fears and even - gasp - insecurities.  It is enjoyable to watch the dynamic between these two.  I feel at times this series was rushed a bit.  There is more that could have been done here.  Still.  I'm glad for the 4 seasons we had.

Smallville
Clark Kent:  Tom Welling
Lois Lane:  Erica Durance
Lex Luthor:  Michael Rosenbaum
Years:  2001-2011

One of the best shows ever made.  Hands down.  The character development from season 1, in which a 16-year-old Clark discovers the secret his parents (Annette O'Toole and John Schneider) have been keeping from him, through season 10 in which a mature Clark Kent embraces his destiny and embarks on a life with the woman he loves as his equal and partner.  This series follows the Superman mythos but adds to it and diverges from it.  We meet a young Lex Luthor, who begins as Clark's best friend.  I found myself pulling for Lex to play it straight, to fight his evil impulses and do right by Clark, by himself.  The writers and the actors did a great job of showing a real friendship and real struggles:  two people who really care for each other but ultimately take different roads in life and end up on opposing sides.  We meet Lana Lang, Clark's first love. Their love story is tender and heart-breaking.  Then there's Lois...  You gotta love Lois.  She is really funny, gives Clark what's what.  But we watch her grow as the series progresses.  As Clark faces his doubts about himself and his destiny, we see Lois step up to be his strength in times when the man of steel is weak.

I guess that is one of the oh, so many reasons I love this show. It's good moral values and character meet modern sexiness.  It's philosophical and deep but also fun and humorous.  It's edge of your seat exciting and omg!-did that just happen, but it's also romantic and passionate.  Ultimately it is a great story - a very human story about finding one's purpose in life, making choices and the relationships that make us who we are.  And it is a story expertly told.

The characters are true to life.  They grow and change in the face of the experiences they face.  They question life, society, expectations and relationships just as we all do.  They do not always come up with the answers but they adjust to live with what they have at that moment.  Another really, really awesome thing about Smallville is the inclusion of other characters from the DC Comics universe, to name a few:  Supergirl, Zod, Doomsday, Bizarro, Green Arrow, Aquaman, Star Girl, Hawkman, the Flash, Black Canary, Cyborg, Zatanna, the Wonder Twins and Brainiac.  If the big budget movie studios are looking for a way to give Marvel's The Avengers a run for their money by making a Justice League movie - they should look to Smallville for a blueprint on how to do it and do it well.  The characters were all likeable, fun yet edgy, and all had good backstories with added depth beyond what you saw in the original comics.  I only wish there were more seasons.  Maybe a Metropolis?  You know, I liked the "no tights, no flights" thing.  But it would be nice to have seen a little bit more of Clark finally coming into his own and becoming the hero we watched him grow into for 10 years.  Just saying.  All in all, 5 stars out of 3 - yep, I can do that.  It's my blog!!!

Superman Returns
Director:  Bryan Singer
Superman/Clark Kent:  Brandon Routh
Lois Lane:  Kate Bosworth
Lex Luthor:  Kevin Spacey
Year(s):  2006

Not much to say about this one.  I had very high hopes.  The opening scene in which Superman catches the falling airplane in the middle of the baseball field is pretty amazing.  But the film went downhill pretty quickly from there.  Kate Bosworth was seriously miscast as Lois Lane.  And Superman has a son?  What?!  And what was up with Lex Luthor's plan to take over the world?  That was seriously the WORST diabolical plan EVER.  Lex, a.k.a Kevin Spacey, should have given me a call and I could have given him a couple of WAY better diabolical ideas.  All in all, a flop and the caped wonder deserved so much better.

Man of Steel
Director:  Zack Snyder
Superman/Clark Kent:  Henry Cavill
Lois Lane:  Amy Adams
Zod:   Michael Shannon
Year(s):  2013

Will the new Superman movie live up to the hype?  We haven't had a really good Superman movie since 1980 (Superman II).  Wow!  That's 33 years.  That's a whole lifetime.  Unless you are Superman because there are theories that he does not age in the same way we normal humans do.  But I digress...

Recently the best Superman material has been seen on television.  Yet, in spite of the lack of a successful movie in recent memory (certainly in the memory of the Gen Y and Millenialist generations) Superman has continued to be a presence in pop culture consciousness.  Why is that, I wonder?  I think it is because he speaks to our experience as humans.  We are all insecure and unsure of ourselves in some form or fashion.  There is always someone who looks down on us, puts us down, in the way Clark Kent is put down.  But Clark Kent is just a disguise.  The real man is Superman - someone who can do amazing things!  Someone who saves the world on a daily basis.  That is our fantasy isn't it? That we have a secret selves that no one knows about, a secret selves that can accomplish all kinds of extraordinary things.  Superman gives us hope that we really can do great things and we really are noble and honorable.  Through Superman we can believe that, no matter how mundane our day-to-day lives are,  we know the truth.  That our true selves are SUPER.

We All Have Something

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I haven't written in a while... I haven't known what to say.  Should I tell you how desperately, how painfully I long for Bentley?  No, you don't want to hear that.  You will probably think I'm silly for missing a dog so much.  Should I tell you that I'm having a hard time being back in the U.S., connecting with my family?  No, too lifetime movie network.  Should I tell you of our two-year struggle to have a baby? Of how at times I look at my life and it just hasn't turned out the way I thought it would?

The truth is that I have been hurting these past few months - just kind of a dull ache that every now and then wells up into uncontrollable tears.  Tears which I am careful to shed when I am alone and unseen.  But I'm not alone.  Tonight God gently reminded me of this fact at the beauty salon.

I went to get my hair done because Thursday Joshua and I will celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary and I want to be extra pretty.  It's a girl thing - we must have our hair just so for special occasions.  The lovely woman who did my hair was very chatty.  She was not my usual girl, but that's OK, I just rolled with it.  She told me, to my great surprise, how much she LOVES Houston.  She and her family moved her 10 years ago from Lebanon.  She asked me about my job and my family and we chatted comfortable while she beautified me.

When asked about her family back in Lebanon she became more serious.  Her aging parents are both having surgeries at the end of June and she cannot be with them because it is too dangerous for American citizens to travel to Lebanon right now.  She told me how sad and how guilty she feels for not being able to be near them.

"We all have something, Jennifer, you see," she said.  She smiled and went back to work.

We all have something.  I looked at this woman in front of me - really looked at her. It's amazing how, so wrapped up in my own issues, needs, hurts that I had not REALLY seen her until that moment.  I had not seen her as someone who, like myself, was feeling joy, or pain, or sadness or any number of things.    Sin - selfishness - has blinded me to those around me.  And they all have something.

Dreaded Anticipation

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Do you ever just dread a date?  An approaching date.  Like, a few years ago I DREADED my approaching 30th birthday.  The mere mention of said birthday was enough to ruin my entire day for weeks on end.  Funny thing, though, once the oh-so-dreaded 30th birthday arrived - it wasn't so bad!  It was just any old birthday.  Except, I was more fabulous.  Of course.

Why am I bringing this up? Because I am dreading another approaching date.  And, no, I'm not turning 30 again.  (Not yet, anyway) I am, in fact, dreading Saturday.

What?!  Dreading the weekend?! Shocking, I know.  I am dreading Saturday the 23rd because that day will mark 6 months since I lost Bentley.  6 months.  That's a long time.  Half a year.  I don't want to get to half a year because the next day, the 24th means I will have been without Bentley for more than 6 months, which means 1 whole year won't be that far off.  It is very, very sad.  And lonely.

So I have been all out of sorts lately and seriously dreading the approaching Saturday.  But, maybe - just maybe - Saturday, the 23rd, will be like my 30th birthday.  It will come and it will go without making too many waves and I will realize that the anticipation was worse than the actual day.  Maybe.

  

The Day I Saved Tuesday & a Van Gogh Valentine's!

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This week was quite an exciting week!  I saved Tuesday.  Literally.  I did.  Truly.  Here's how it happened.  Tuesday I got to work like any other day when suddenly our dean, Dr. Dearman, runs in and says, "Jenna, come see.  There a little white dog in the field back here."  There is a huge field behind our building and people are always dumping their unwanted pets there.  Dr. Dearman's office faces this field so he often calls me to see different animals - especially Dasher - the special stray I wrote about last week.

I walked back to his office to see this new pup and sure enough it was a little bitty white dog walking in the field.  I watched as it walked towards the road.  The poor, clueless little think acted as if it were out for a stroll, merrily bouncing towards the busy street as cars sped by.  Finally it reached the street and began to cross when suddenly a loud sound blared out.  A large SUV had slammed on its brakes to avoid hitting the pup and blared its horn.  The terrified dog turned back to the field racing as fast as it could.

Gathering some food and a leash I got into my car and drove to the bank next door and tried to find the dog.  I found it cowering, visibly shaking and frightened behind some thick shrubs and thorns.  I could not entice her to come so returned to the building for reinforcements.  My friend Carrie then walked back with me to where the dog was hiding and together we cleared enough of the shrubs so I could climb back there - yes, risking my life because there were probably GINORMOUS spiders in there - and rescue her.

Tuesday gets a ride to the Vet.

We took her to the vet and got her checked out.  At the vet they asked me for her name and, on the spot being the creative genius that I am, I gave her the first name I could think of:  Tuesday.  Because it was Tuesday.  She has been staying with us and getting to know Frazier.  They are doing OK together.  I think it's fair to say that he is more interested in her and more keen to play with her than she is interested in knowing him or playing with him.  She is a Bichon/Poodle mix and definitely prefers being cuddled and held to playing - she's cute.  I think Mr. Farris really likes her.

After saving Tuesday one would think this week couldn't possibly be any more exciting, right?  Wrong!  On Thursday, for Valentine's Day Joshua and I decided to go to another one of the Merlot2Masterpiece classes.  The idea is you BYOB and enjoy some snacks while a professional artist walks you through step-by-step of a work of art.  It's great fun!  We did a piece called Stars At Night which is a Texas version of Van Gogh's Starry Night.  Below is the progression of my piece.

The master at work!

The artists at the end of the night!

Lessons From A Stray

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It's an English kind of day today.  The skies are gray and overcast and it is raining - not a hard, heavy rain, but the steady kind.  As always when it rains my worried thoughts turn to Dasher, the stray puppy who lives alone in the large field behind the office where I work.  Dasher is so named because, well, I first became aware of his presence in December - right around Christmas - and because he has this little habit of dashing away when he sees people, or even just thinks people might be around.  I've been feeding Dasher ever since I first saw him. He was skin and bones then. I'm happy to report he has fattened up a bit now.  He's our other dog.  Yep, we actually have two dogs:  one lives at our house and the other one lives in the field behind my work.

The picture above is one I was able to sneak of him from our office window as he ate.  Isn't he cute! When I know he's eating I will sometimes watch him.  I was watching him on Monday and noticing how much better he looks and I just felt so much love and longing for him.  Although he doesn't run madly away from me, he won't let me get anywhere close to him.  And I wish he would.  He could be in a safe warm home with all the food and water and love he could want.  Instead, he's outside.  He has to brave all kinds of weather, and dangers (after all, this IS Houston - they film Animal Cops here!) and has to scrounge for food.  If ONLY he knew what life could be his!!!

As I was watching him and thinking this I had a sudden start - a realization - that must be how God feels about me sometimes.  OK.  A lot of the time.... maybe most of the time.  I get so busy with work, and friends, and family, and frustrations, and duties, and.... STUFF!!... that God ends up being relegated to the sidelines of my life, a spectator - not a participant.  How many times must He be left watching me from afar as I rush around, frantically trying to "get it done." How often do my quiet times and prayer times end up being quick rushed chats instead of times of real fellowship and communion with God?  I bet when He looks at me, God probably feels - to a much larger degree - the same love and longing for fellowship and communion  that I experienced towards Dasher.  He probably thinks the same thing I did:  "if she only knew what life could be hers if she would stop and let me in or at least stop and have a proper visit with me."

I'm sorry, Lord, I prayed.  I confessed.  I repented.  Maybe I'm being overly sentimental, I thought.  I'm reading too much into this.  I'm too much in my own head because I no longer have Bentley to talk too.  That's it!!  Once I had reassured myself I went about my day.  But God was not finished speaking to me through Dasher.  Yesterday, as I was getting into my car to go home after a full day at work, I looked out across the field behind the office and whom do you think I saw?  I saw Dasher!  He was running and rolling around and having a great time.  I got in my car and sat there - just watching him enjoy himself - for about 10 minutes.  I longed to be able to play and have fun with him, but, not being able to do so, I was content to watch him have fun from afar.

"So?" You may be wondering.  Well, God spoke to me again, gently letting me know that just as He finds joy in being there with me through the hard times, He longs to be right there with me when I'm having fun and enjoying things.  So often He must watch from a distance the times of joy and happiness because I am too busy having fun to include Him - at least to include Him in any real and meaningful way.  Feeling keenly the mingled joy and sadness of watching Dasher's glee yet not be able to participate in it, I was struck again by the realization of how callously I push my creator God to one side when it's convenient for me to do so.  I was also shamed at knowing that I had caused God sadness and pain by my actions.

What to do now?  First, God is wonderful and forgiving and wants nothing more than to have closeness with us, His precious children.  Hello!!  That was the reason for His giving me the wake-up call in the first place!  Still, I do think I need a plan of action - not in a legalistic sense, but I do want to avoid falling back into bad patterns.  I love the words of Brother Lawrence and the idea of "practicing" being in the presence of God no matter where I am or what I am doing.  The idea is that by training my thoughts and my heart to constantly turn to God throughout the day no matter what I'm doing I am cultivating a life of worship and a constant fellowship with my creator.

"In order to know God, we must often think of Him; and when we come to love Him, we shall then also think of  Him often, for our heart will be with our treasure."

A New Chapter

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It has been a long, long time since I have posted anything.  There have been many, many changes since I last posted.  The last time I wrote Joshua and I were still in England.  We have since returned to the U.S. and have been living in Houston, TX, since last July.  We miss Bristol and especially our dear friends there a great deal.  Our time in England was very special to us.  But we felt we needed to return to the U.S.  And it turns out we were right.  Which leads to the other major change in our lives since I last wrote.

Six weeks after we arrived in Houston, we lost our precious Bentley.  He became very ill suddenly and his decline was very quick.  We buried him at my parents lake house - a really lovely spot - on my birthday.  I'll write more about Bentley and that time later.  I feel his absence every single day.  He is dearly loved and greatly missed.

Returning to the U.S. was not the easy transition I thought it would be.  I thought coming home would be like putting on a pair of old, well-worn sneakers.  You know, they just fit.  But coming home, back to the U.S. didn't just fit.  It wasn't easy and comfortable.  It was hard.  And I began to realize that it wasn't the U.S., that comfortable well-worn sneaker that had changed - it was me.  I was seeing things differently and experiencing things differently.

This is not a bad thing, though.  It is a very good thing.  It's kind of like what Paul said, "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

Our time in England was challenging in that it pushed us (me especially) to get out of what was comfortable.  It pushed me to think about things differently, see the world and see life from a different perspective.  I drank tea - lots of tea.  And I grew to love people who are like me and yet so different from me.  I made deep lasting friendships with people from another country... again.  I was reminded of things I'd forgotten.  "For God so loved the world..." and not just "God so loved Jenna." (although it feels like that - in JennaLand sometimes).

Now in Houston I'm having to re-learn all those lessons again.  Because a lot of the Houstonian population is really, really hard to love - I'll just be real and say that.  It's true. And American culture is no longer lovely or something of which to be proud - I see that now, and it has been shocking to me. I'm having to look for the lovely and the good - looking for God here.  And I do find Him, and I find His people - they just look different than they used to.

So, as I have been taking in all these changes and seeing things so differently and adjusting to being in a new place and grieving Bentley's loss - I just haven't had much to say.  But I do now.  I will be sharing some of my thoughts with you more:  my thoughts on Bentley, what Joshua and I are up to, life in Houston and even maybe some thoughts on Once Upon A Time (which is a really great show, btw). For now, I'll leave you with a picture of the newest addition to our family:  Frazier - our rescue boxer.